Patience in the process...

My name means “covenant of God”. I’m here to tell you that I haven’t really been acting like I believe in my definition.

I have lacked confidence in who He says I am. I’ve allowed satan small victories. I’ve given myself over to thoughts of unworthiness and disbelief that God is for me. And that if God really is for me, why do I still try to attain the acceptance of others?

“Eli, you’re 25. You love God. You KNOW this!! Why do you hide the key to the chains that enslave you? And keep you in this place of “keeping up”, of striving towards something that is, ultimately, defined as “filthy rags”.

I am in awe of the art of Story. And how the Master Storyteller weaves us in and out of other people’s Iives at such the right time and place. He creates beauty in The Story by His sovereignty. And in His sovereignty, we learn to trust the process. We learn to trust The One who created the process.

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with a lack of vision. Feeling misunderstood and discouraged that my life doesn’t really make sense. Wondering if I’ve missed the boat, wondering if what I’m doing with my life is worthy of the calling. Wanting to be intentional with my life and time and be able to glorify Him in the same way my friends were. My friends are doing worthwhile things, they’re creating places of ministry in the E.R. they work in – outwardly challenging and loving the ones beside them, others are overcoming huge obstacles and have completed insanely long journeys and are coming out the other side, knowing God to be good and faithful. Others are in a season of healing and rest, as they’ve invested years of their life in broken parts of this world.

I compare myself to the “togetherness” that I see. I see people navigating this life in their specific “God-shape”, and wondered why I haven’t been able to figure mine out.

{Because if He told me that I was a circle, I could do a great job being a circle}

I’ve often wondered if I’d ever feel like I had it together, or if I’d always wonder if there was something missing. If I slept in the day that He communicated His plan for me and my life. If I picked the wrong door 5 years ago. If my sin was separating me from accurately hearing from Him.

I often feel very discouraged and insecure when people ask me what my life plans are. “What are you doing with your life?” People don’t really want to know what I’m doing with my life for the next 24-48 hours. [ha]

They want to hear clear vision, they want to know in what ways I’ve been educated. They desire to know that I’m moving to a third world country, or that I work a successful 9-5 in downtown Dallas.

I’m sorry for not always answering truthfully. I'm sorry for not always understanding or feeling confident in the role He's placed me in any given season.

My definite answer from now on is: My vision is Jesus. I am a co-heir and more than a conqueror in Christ. My days are written by the Master Creator, and even though I’m not quite privy to my 10 year life plan, I trust the one who plans it.

That may seem futile to many. It may not seem responsible or “grown up”. I plan to proclaim my confidence in the One in whom I can trust. In the One who writes out His story to the point that I have no other choice but to trust and obey [‘cuz there’s no other way]. :)

I share this because I don't think I'm the only one who isn't quite sure what God is up to, but is desperately wanting to honor Him while I'm waiting. Fully convinced that even this time of seeking and trusting is just as important [if not more] than the outcome. 

And He’s giving me all that I have asked for… patience in the process.