Patience in the process...

My name means “covenant of God”. I’m here to tell you that I haven’t really been acting like I believe in my definition.

I have lacked confidence in who He says I am. I’ve allowed satan small victories. I’ve given myself over to thoughts of unworthiness and disbelief that God is for me. And that if God really is for me, why do I still try to attain the acceptance of others?

“Eli, you’re 25. You love God. You KNOW this!! Why do you hide the key to the chains that enslave you? And keep you in this place of “keeping up”, of striving towards something that is, ultimately, defined as “filthy rags”.

I am in awe of the art of Story. And how the Master Storyteller weaves us in and out of other people’s Iives at such the right time and place. He creates beauty in The Story by His sovereignty. And in His sovereignty, we learn to trust the process. We learn to trust The One who created the process.

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with a lack of vision. Feeling misunderstood and discouraged that my life doesn’t really make sense. Wondering if I’ve missed the boat, wondering if what I’m doing with my life is worthy of the calling. Wanting to be intentional with my life and time and be able to glorify Him in the same way my friends were. My friends are doing worthwhile things, they’re creating places of ministry in the E.R. they work in – outwardly challenging and loving the ones beside them, others are overcoming huge obstacles and have completed insanely long journeys and are coming out the other side, knowing God to be good and faithful. Others are in a season of healing and rest, as they’ve invested years of their life in broken parts of this world.

I compare myself to the “togetherness” that I see. I see people navigating this life in their specific “God-shape”, and wondered why I haven’t been able to figure mine out.

{Because if He told me that I was a circle, I could do a great job being a circle}

I’ve often wondered if I’d ever feel like I had it together, or if I’d always wonder if there was something missing. If I slept in the day that He communicated His plan for me and my life. If I picked the wrong door 5 years ago. If my sin was separating me from accurately hearing from Him.

I often feel very discouraged and insecure when people ask me what my life plans are. “What are you doing with your life?” People don’t really want to know what I’m doing with my life for the next 24-48 hours. [ha]

They want to hear clear vision, they want to know in what ways I’ve been educated. They desire to know that I’m moving to a third world country, or that I work a successful 9-5 in downtown Dallas.

I’m sorry for not always answering truthfully. I'm sorry for not always understanding or feeling confident in the role He's placed me in any given season.

My definite answer from now on is: My vision is Jesus. I am a co-heir and more than a conqueror in Christ. My days are written by the Master Creator, and even though I’m not quite privy to my 10 year life plan, I trust the one who plans it.

That may seem futile to many. It may not seem responsible or “grown up”. I plan to proclaim my confidence in the One in whom I can trust. In the One who writes out His story to the point that I have no other choice but to trust and obey [‘cuz there’s no other way]. :)

I share this because I don't think I'm the only one who isn't quite sure what God is up to, but is desperately wanting to honor Him while I'm waiting. Fully convinced that even this time of seeking and trusting is just as important [if not more] than the outcome. 

And He’s giving me all that I have asked for… patience in the process. 

#CloseToHomeTour

I have the gift of adaptability, but the curse of resistance to change. This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that, I mean it's incredibly painful, exponentially moreso if you fight it, and also that is has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be.

I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools. Change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and that in many cases, change is the function of God's graciousness, not life's cruelty. Finding patience in the process. I am in awe with the art of Story. And the way the Master Storyteller weaves us together in all of these specific ways.

Every 2 minutes a girl is trafficked for the purposes of sex exploitation. Her average age is 13.  

The purpose of the #CloseToHomeTour that I’ve joined, is to challenge the Church to rise to its potential in the fight to end global sex trafficking. The tour hasn’t even begun yet and I’m already on the verge of tears at how faithful God is to my heart. In the brief time I’ve spent with the team, and hearing David speak about the vision for this non-profit and campaign, my own horizons have already been broadened.

Sexual exploitation doesn’t begin with an accidental click of a button. It doesn’t begin with assault. Once we recognize that we exploit the opposite sex with our thoughts, our pursuits, our attemps to fill empty voids, we are able to take responsibility and Jesus is able to rid our hearts of these chains that HE has already loosened us from – the only thing keeping us enslaved is our own hold on those chains. We exploit  others by making another person our idol, our god. We exploit by manipulating them with our words and our actions. We exploit by using their bodies to appease our selfish desires. The issue of sexual exploitation is close to home… it’s in each one of our hearts. We are also the ones that need to be rescued, and in serving, we can actually be liberated and help others to be liberated.

The exploitation of people will only cease to exist once we, as a Body, recognize how we have given ourselves over to our addiction to sexual immorality. I have a hope that we, as humans, would stop looking for someone to fill us, and instead be filled by The One who knows our hearts best. I have a dream that ministries can meet and hearts’ desires can combine and powerful relationships can be raised up in the name of the Kingdom. That prayers be like breaths, and worship be uncontainable.

I believe in a Kingdom to come and a Kingdom that is already being revealed, here and now. 

I'm coming to understand the scripture: 'so Abraham went out, not knowing where he was going' a little more. Laying down everything in my hands and my heart - trusting in the One who can do abundantly more than all I can ask or imagine into the unknown. "Through example births leadership". I asked God specifically not to make me a leader. I'm not wise or deep or eloquent -- in fact, I'm quite broken and awkward and flawed. But I can walk in a manner worthy of the calling that I've received, and acknowledge my own desperate need for a Savior. And in doing so, allow others the freedom to do the same.